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Collaborative Tales of Suspense & Wonderment #1   (Read 3253 times)
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Collaborative Tales of Suspense & Wonderment #1  
07/27/05 at 10:37am
 
(okay, since the board is new, I'll start all of you out!...next person to post should continue with this storyline and then the person after them should continue where that second person had left off and so forth...no idea if this is going to work or if anyone other than me will find it amusing, but here we go...)

The Silence Before the Crappiness

The other day I was walking down the street. The birds were chirping their usual chirpy sounds as old women pelted them with bread crumbs and seductive "birdie, birdie" chants.

I couldn't help thinking how lovely the clouds looked. There was one shaped like fat Elvis, dancing slowly with the wind, alongside a fluffy white iguana. The sky was as blue as something that is extremely blue. I had a whistle in my heart, a hop in my step, and some gas from a burrito the night before.

Yes, yes, it was a wonderful morning...until...

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Annie_Sanders


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Re: "The Silence Before the Crappiness"
Reply #1 - 07/28/05 at 1:38pm
 
..I arrived at work to find that, inches outside of my fourth floor window, construction workers were drilling holes into the building. They hovered outside the window on their little pulley operated platform, leering like insane dentists drilling into the cavities of monsters. The drillbits vibrated violently, shrieking and squealing their way into the concrete. Reverberations ran through the woodgrain of my desk, up my arms, and into my molars, sending crystaline shivers down my spine. It was like an alcohol induced anxiety nightmare spawned by festering guilt of having not been to the dentist in over two years, except it was real, and I could not escape it.

I didn't know why the workers were drilling holes in the building. I didn't know if they'd ever stop. All I knew was that I had to get out of there, so I...
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There's a nice little sit-upon in Hell with your name on it.
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Re: "The Silence Before the Crappiness"
Reply #2 - 07/30/05 at 9:22am
 
...casually told my boss I think I ate a bad burrito and would be in the bathroom for a while.

I snuck away to the elevator thinking it might be fun to go to Central Park or perhaps head on up to the Bronx Zoo and watch the puffins (though they never seemed to do ANYTHING).

It was then I realized the construction workers didn't just SOUND like "insane dentists drilling into the cavities of monsters" they actually WERE drilling into the cavities of monsters!

As you looked down 5th Avenue you could see at LEAST seven monsters!

Four of them were right next to your building, one in a giant white coat holding a massive monster-toothed sized drill, one is using one of those sucking tube things, one of them is drooling uncontrollably, the last was just in a cheerleaders outfit chanting "Don't eat sweets! Stick with meats! Floss every day! Keep cavities away!"

The other three monsters were...
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Re: "The Silence Before the Crappiness"
Reply #3 - 08/01/05 at 6:27pm
 
...masochists.

"It's not like we spend all this time and energy getting our teeth drilled and crushing buildings to attract artillery fire because we're boorish thugs! We do it because we neeeeed it... we LIIIVE for the pain!!!" exclaimed Samson Orgrot, White House correspondant for Monsters and Masochists Everywhere (MAME).

Local area women Polly Tickly and Cora Eckt noted that although the monsters have been causing "severe structural damage" to the city of New York, they "have problems, just like everyone else... except they're monsters, so their problems are monster sized. Society owes it to them to support them through their difficult times."

As of press time, we still have not received official confirmation as to whether Traggolo the Terrible (aka "Julian St. Pierre") has been apprehended. He was first stopped by authorities when he was sighted using the Empire State Building's needle to...
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There's a nice little sit-upon in Hell with your name on it.
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Re: "The Silence Before the Crappiness"
Reply #4 - 08/02/05 at 3:18am
 
... glom wireless internet service from the entire city of New York.  Thanks to the government's crackdown on pirated internet offenders, the internet had remained free for privatization.  However, Traggolo's offense was a ham-handed, extremely obvious visual metaphor for the size and scope of the problem of internet theft.

But police couldn't just shoot the problem down and cover it with immobilizing foam like they did with Traggolo.  The threat of a free, non-paid-for internet is too far-reaching and clandestine an operation.  Besides, Troggolo just wriggled out of the foam by shedding his skin and skating away on a trail of his own mucous, just like...

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Re: "The Silence Before the Crappiness"
Reply #5 - 08/02/05 at 9:29pm
 
...Sly Stalone, who had been called in by the president to deal with Traggolo.

For years Sly had been wearing a fake mucous suit, pretending to be an actor (though not doing a very good job) while secretly working as a double agent between monster and human kind.

Two hours ago, after a particularly mean AIM conversation with Samson Orgrot (of MAME) Sly decided to become a good guy, and he was going to start right now, by taking Traggolo down the only way he knew how...
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Re: "The Silence Before the Crappiness"
Reply #6 - 08/03/05 at 1:45pm
 
...by getting his old college interpretive dance troupe back together!

But it wouldn't be easy.  They had all left on bad terms and gotten straight gigs.  The only one he still kept in contact with was his old friend Shrill Cheatem, who had taken a job as a longshoreman in Kansas.  Sly jumped on the first plane to Topeka the next morning.  While he napped on the flight, he had the strangest dream.  He was sitting in a bucket of spaghetti, wearing a stuffed duck for a hat, when a butler appeared with a banquet tray.  The butler lifted the lid to reveal two small letter openers in the shape of fish.  One was orange and the other blue.

"You must choose," said the butler, his eyes gleaming in an almost supernatural light.  

"Choose... Choose... Choose..."

Everything went black, and Sly wiped the sleep from his eyes as the plane was approaching the runway for a landing.  Just when he thought to himself the plane was coming in a little fast, the captain came on over the PA and exclaimed...
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Re: "The Silence Before the Crappiness"
Reply #7 - 08/29/05 at 2:42am
 
"Nothing to worry about, passengers, just a sticky throttle lever". As Sly got off the plane, he scanned the crowd and found a limo driver with a sign. The sign read "Baker". It seemed Sly had to find his own way to Shrill's.

Sly rented a car and drove as fast as he legally could to his old friend's house. When he arrived, he found to his horror that his friend had put up countless fish head hunting trophies on the walls. It brought back memories. Memories that Sly had all but forgotten about... But he had to focus on the present, on his mission. Sly found his friend chatting with the rest of the old troupe at his kitchen table.
"Hey, Shrill, LeMont, Francis, Tipton, Orville, Zeph, Jesus, Halton, MacJones, Wendell, Frumpton, Kingsley, Merlin. How's it been?" said Sly.
"I was just gonna call you! Seems they've got a problem up in New York. Looks like a monster of some sorts. Still go your mucous suit?" replied Shrill.
"Never wouldave got rid of it, would I? Now about that monster...
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Re: "The Silence Before the Crappiness"
Reply #8 - 09/16/05 at 4:21am
 
...I'll need to know what he looks like."

The crew around the table began describing him.

"He's thirteen stories tall!"
"He's blue!"
"Green!"
"No, pinkish orange with green spots!"
"Well, the spots are green, aren't they?"
"Yes, but most of him is pinkish orange."
"He has three arms on one side."
"And a Yankees baseball cap--"
"--in his mouth."
"He's allergic to peanuts."
"He's carrying a puppy!"

Gradually it became obvious that they had no idea what Traggolo looked like, and so...
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Re: "The Silence Before the Crappiness"
Reply #9 - 10/21/05 at 10:42am
 
...Sly walked over to Zeph and punched him in the face.  

It was a little-known secret amongst the other interpretive dance troupe members that Zeph was prone to experience clairvoyant visions when struck in the face.  Hard.  Only Sly, Shrill, and LaMont shared this knowledge.  Zeph was usually unconscious from repeated beatings, so he remembered nothing.

"Hey, what the fu--!" Jesus yelled as he jumped up from his lawn chair.  Shrill just held him back.

"It's cool, compadre.  Sly knows what he's doin'."

Unfortunately, the first punch didn't take, and so Sly had to hit him a few more times, slamming his fist into Zeph's head, with a sound not unlike a fish being slapped across a countertop made of meat.

After what seemed like an eternity of brutal, animalistic pounding, Zeph's bloody pate finally began spouting prophecy.  He said...
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Re: "The Silence Before the Crappiness"
Reply #10 - 11/04/05 at 6:18pm
 
..."Sly will accidentally punch me one more time than necessary."

Two seconds later, the prophecy came true and Zeph was dead, the entire room, including Jesus, was pretty mad.

"Friggin' A, Sly! I guess I'll have to call my Dad. CRAP. I HATE having to call him. He always acts like I'm not living up to my expectations but I'm the friggin' son of god! No even Martha Stewart (who I might add is more man the all of us here) could live up to that!"

Orville stared at the side of Jesus's face. "Wait, man . You're JESUS like THE Jesus?"

"Yeah, I mean, I never really wanted to bring it up. I tried to make up a dance to tell you guys once, but I don't think I had the right angle on the jazz hands."

"DUDE! I mean DUDE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?," screamed Kingsley.

"I know, I know, but if you guys want me to kill people or get us free beer my Dad won't let me...."

"No, actually that's not was I was thinking. I just realized we've totally been mispronouncing your name for like 5 years. Dude, I'm sorry."

"Oh....okay. You aren't going to force me to wine out of water or you know make some blind guy see?"

"Nah. Wine totally wouldn't go with the icecream sundae fixin's I got and I don't know any blind dudes."

"Oh...well, if it's cool with all of you guys I'll just bring Zeph back to life and make it so the monster never attacked new york."

"Cool."

"Sure."

"Whatever."

And so Jesus brought Zeph back to life and saved the world, or at least the structural integrity of many NYC buildings.

"Now, who wants icecream?!"

-FIN!-



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